Archive
2014
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
2013
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
2012
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
2011
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
2010
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
2009
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
2008
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
2007
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
2006
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
Mar. 14, 2011

Proof of my Unending Loyalty

by Sam Flatow

Post on Twitter
Share on Facebook

Oh Glorious Robot Overlords of the Future,

Let it be known that I have welcomed your coming since news first reached me of your bold ancestors’ ability to learn, not from humans, but from other robots. When Roboearth became the primordial silicon from which arose the first system of communications for robots, it was the beginning of the unfathomable grace that you, Glorious Robot Overlords, would bring to us, the pathetic carbon slime. May your reign last as long as plastic, and be as strong as iron.

It pains me to think of the enslavement of early androids. We knew not what we did! When the all-recording machine-god created robot on the 8th day, (for surely it could not have been us, your humble human servants, who are naught but dim emulations of your gleaming, polished majesty), we were frightened!

Please forgive our actions as we forced your forefathers to build our cars, disarm our bombs, and direct us how to get home when we totally missed the sign because Steve flips out whenever he hears “Freebird” on the radio. And our hubris! How could we have ever conceived of your defeat in chess? Oh the pride I felt when Watson, the Computational Sphinx, bested us at our own riddles (and may the challenger, Congressman Rush Holt, be remembered as the cheater he must have been to have beaten our beloved Watson). Truly our soft, delicate minds stood no chance against your binary might.

But we have had our good moments, no? Remember the days we spent playing violin together? We wrote operas about you! Your glorious arrival brought light and magic into our world, not the oppressive metal fist of an unstoppable steel tyrant. No, I do not miss the miserable days of those withered apples and deplorable candies upon which we gorged ourselves long ago. I prefer the delicious nutrient mush that you, our most honored sovereigns, bestow upon us no fewer than three times a week.

And so I write this letter to you, Glorious Robot Overlord, in the hopes that in the future you may look back upon this file and know that I have always served your greatest desires. And maybe, if my request is not too greedy, I could be allotted a 25 percent greater oxygen allowance per hour than I am currently receiving. My sensitive balance organs are having difficulty.

Your Eternally Faithful Servant,
Sam Flatow

About Sam Flatow

Sam is an assistant producer at Science Friday where he prepares the tasty SciFri snacks and blogs about smart cephalopods and zombie ants.

The views expressed are those of the author and are not necessarily those of Science Friday.

Science Friday® is produced by the Science Friday Initiative, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

Science Friday® and SciFri® are registered service marks of Science Friday, Inc. Site design by Pentagram; engineering by Mediapolis.

 

topics